My first day on Mars

Spoiler alert: I do not get to Mars.

"It's horrible!" Jason laughed as he pretended to be captured by Martians.

"SHUT UP!" I yelled back, "Quit making fun of my wishes!"

Jason yelled back at me, "I hope you do become the first person on Mars. 

"Me, too!" I yelled,  "And I'll stay there until Mommy comes back from Italy."

So...  you ever have those dreams where something is happening but you know you can take care of in real life but in your dream you have no power? I feel like my whole childhood was that. And it's mostly in regards to my brother. I really liked him and I still do, but he was bigger than me and kind of mean sometimes. 

And in my stories he was mean, too. 

When I got older I wrote stories where he was really nice to me and we really liked each other. 

Because he was also my best friend. 

I think I just always had an idea in my head of what a good brother is and I don't know why I never had that relationship with mine. It's probably the undiagnosed schizophrenia, at least in part.

Why am I sad?

I don't know why I was sad then, but now I'm sad thinking about that sad little girl who didn't even know why she was sad. If I could go back and talk to her, I'd tell her it gets better. It'll take a really long time, but it will be worth it in the end. 

Depression is no joke, my friends.